“This is normal in any close relationship, don’t overthink or overreact.”
“Deal with it.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“It’s no big deal.”
Dr Neerja Birla, Founder and Chairperson Aditya Birla Education Trust feels all too often, this is the kind of ‘advice’ given to anyone facing non-physical interpersonal abuse—more commonly referred to as emotional abuse. Unknowingly, it not only justifies, but also normalizes, the harmful behaviour and, in turn, creates a self-perpetuating cycle of abuse. As a result, at some point or the other, you and I have been guilty of both—accepting and giving this type of advice. The reason: We didn’t know better.
But now we do.
There are studies and data that have underscored, reiterated, and reinforced the emotional abuse epidemic plaguing society. A Delhi-based study published in 202 in the National Library of Medicine revealed as much as 19.8% of had ‘ever’ faced psychological abuse by their husbands. Additionally, the National Commission for Women listed emotional abuse as the top crime against women in domestic abuse cases in 2022.
However, although emotional abuse is usually referred to in the context of marriages and romantic relationships, anyone in an intimate relationship is capable of abusing, or being abused. Take the workplace, for instance. A 2022 survey by the International Labour Organization reported that 17.9 per cent, or 583 million people, experiencing psychological violence and harassment at work, through behaviours such as micromanagement, unreasonable demands, or creating an environment of fear, among others.
These are just a few of the many data points available, but enough to underscore the growing, urgent need to create awareness about emotional abuse. After all, how does one fight something they don’t understand?
So, it becomes critical to define what emotional abuse is so that we can recognize it. “In simple terms, then, emotional abuse is characterized by consistent attempts to control, frighten, isolate, or diminish the self-worth of an individual through words or actions. It can lead to feelings of incredible self-doubt, inadequacy and ebbing self-confidence, or a deep-seated need to please others, even at the cost of it making the victim uncomfortable,” adds Dr Birla.
In other words, the impact of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse – the fact that this is an invisible harm makes it even more dangerous. “But, as I mentioned earlier, we do have more information at our disposal, and it is important we use it to prevent or battle this malaise. In that context, learning how to identify emotional abuse is paramount,” explains Dr Birla.
Dr Birla shares some examples of ways in which abuse can be inflicted:
- Aggressing, or through attacking words. “You don’t know anything, shut up! I know best, stop doing this.”
- Minimizing, in order to diminish the victim’s emotions. “Don’t blow things out of proportion, stop being dramatic, you’re over sensitive.”
- Gaslighting, a word we often hear nowadays, and which means denial of hurtful, deceitful, questionable and insensitive actions of the past and present. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never said that.”
Of course, these are just some of the many patterns to watch out for. Also, remember, we can’t always categorize this behaviour. However, the effects of an emotionally abusive relationship will be more difficult to ignore. They are as powerful as losing one’s sense of self leading or a complete surrender of independence or a feeling of being trapped and suffocated.
The challenge, therefore, is three-fold: First, recognizing the behaviour as emotional abuse; next, acknowledging that it is happening to you; and, finally, reinforcing the belief that you don’t deserve this hurt and harm.
Dr Birla opines, “The last is the most difficult. Deeply-ingrained stigmas and societal norms of overlooking, glossing over, or even hiding it are tough to shed overnight. For instance, the legal system has provisions to punish any emotional harm caused to a married woman by her husband or in-laws. Unfortunately, these cases often go unreported and undetected. Similarly, there are voices that would like to incorporate mental harm as part of workplace harassment.”
There is no doubt: The damage caused by the destruction of a human being’s self-worth, by someone close to them, is a crime. Depression, breakdown of relationships, anxiety, or even codependency between the perpetrator and the victim—the outcomes can be seriously detrimental to mental health.
However, while the perpetrator’s conduct is not in our control, what is in our control is our response to it. “It boils to down, as I said right at the start, taking on the tough ask of breaking the cycle of abuse,” says Dr Birla.
Remember, self-love—that modern mantra, doesn’t begin at a spa and ends on a beach. It starts with learning to prioritize and love ourselves enough to replace “It’s no big deal with “This is not okay.” It involves setting boundaries, even if that feels uncomfortable initially. Furthermore, helping yourself also means having a safe space to retreat to – this can include leaning on a network of close friends or a therapist. Finally, and most importantly, it means the victim has to be kind to themselves. They have to remind themselves that the abuse is not their fault. And if they get forget, as well-wishers and onlookers, we need to emphatically let them know: “You are not to blame.”
