Stranger than ever

Boston Bhabhi and her daughter, my impressionable niece, are visiting India and us to spend the summer. In their air-conditioned bedroom. I happen to overhear their conversations while cutting vegetables quite unintentionally right outside their bedroom door. ‘Don’t drink the water,’ says my bhabhi. Bah! And then – ‘Never talk to strangers.’ What?

At the first opportunity, I whisk my niece away to inculcate some proper values in her, before this foreign culture turns her head. We have rules for strangers, beta. Listen well – and don’t tell mummy, okay?

Begin, say in a waiting room, by looking a stranger up and down. In seven seconds, you can assess them, down to relationship status and dietary habits. Cultivate this power of staring so hard that the stranger turns around.

Eye contact! Well done! Rush over to the same bench, even if there’s no space. Smile, nod, squeeze till you’re comfortable even if the stranger teeters on the edge, or looking terrified, pushes a handbag in between you. ‘No need for all this, after all we are like family only,’ say while shoving her bag off.

Next, get serious. The first step is to slot people. ‘So – where are you from? Religion? Veg or non-veg? Who did you vote for? Arranged marriage, no?’ As the stranger begins to stutter, immediately put her at ease. ‘All is well at home, I hope. No issues?’ Look at her waist approvingly. ‘How many months?’ The stranger may at this point, act even stranger and insist she is counting down no months to anything. You nod kindly, ‘Oh then, just a little extra healthy, eh? Hormonal problems? Sometimes, so sad – just in the genes, what can you do? Father is fat?’

What she needs now is your advice. Reel out a series of helpful remedies for flatulence and obesity: dubious diets, exercises and questionable hacks. Offer testimonials made up on the spot. ‘My neighbour lost 10 kilos in two weeks only holding her toes up in the air.’

By now, the stranger, if she is the weaker, ungrateful type, may look traumatised/ hypnotised/ be booking an exit cab on her phone app. You must save her and insist, ‘This is why the whole health crisis nowadays. App-shap. No taxi – just walk.’ The stranger immediately rises, saying desperately, ‘Yes, bye, I have to meet someone.’ Where are your manners? Offer at once to accompany her. ‘If you’re meeting someone secretly, no harm nowadays – you can tell me. After all, I am your sister only.’

This is how to do it, beta. You must cultivate these stranger manners, a generous tongue and inquisitive nose. What would the world be if everyone minded their own business? This way, in a few minutes, you can find out some stranger’s entire family history and unmentionable ailments. Oh beta, your mummy is calling you. Tell me quickly, now, mummy’s boss back in Boston, is he —-

Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks